His trust issues are not about you; that’s his stuff. And that stuff is for him to work out.
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
I need relationship help. My boyfriend doesn't trust me. PLEASE GIVE ME ANSWERS!
My boyfriend has been feeling "Iffy" about our relationship lately due to him thinking I'm out here entertaining other guys, which I am not. He does not trust me. He usually makes comments like, ”You're 25, you have your whole life to live. You probably have 50 million guys coming at you a day!” Mind you, I am 25; he is 34.
I really care about my boyfriend a lot though. We hung out on last Thursday and our night went great. Friday came, and we texted a little bit but didn’t see each other. Saturday came, and we didn't talk that much that day or see each other. I initiated most of the contact Saturday and Sunday and felt like he was more distant when I did. I took this as him needing space and didn’t mind giving it to him considering this is a new relationship (been together two months) and usually always spend about five days together a week anyway.
So, I stopped texting and didn’t call, and we didn’t speak since that Sunday when I initiated contact, and he seemed distant. Now here it is Wednesday night, and I have not heard from him in days …..that's DAYS!
It hurt me soo much not to speak to him or to see that he didn’t even try to call me to see what's up. So I call him up, and he's furious at the fact that I didn’t talk to him for days. This was not the intent. I tried to reassure him that I was trying to give him space so he could get some things done and have me out the way. I THOUGHT I was being considerate since he tends to be busy doing work and stuff and sometimes I am around and feel in the way.
But in the END, he does not trust me. He says it’s because of my behavior lately — with showing up late to his house when I come over and a guy from the past calling my phone while we were together. Oh, and the dude that called my phone, we never had sex, nor should it matter because our relationship is so new that someone from the past is bound to pop up. I think I handled the situation okay...but anyways...with all this being said, I’m on the phone telling him I miss him and how he needs to trust me and he just continues to shut down.
He said he appreciated me giving him space, but he feels like there was a major setback because I did it like that. I feel bad for doing it now, although that was not the intention to make him feel like this. He barely wants to talk to me, but won't break up with me.
I tell him I miss him and he is quiet and says he hears me and right now he's focusing on himself. I don't know how to feel or what to do at the moment ...and need HELP!
I need answers...what should I do? Am I wrong?
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! After My Recent Breakup, I Feel Like I Can’t Go On
A.
Phew. You must be exhausted trying to figure out what he’s feeling, what he’s saying you did wrong, and how you can fix it.
Let’s start with this…
Instead of focusing on what he’s feeling, what about what YOU are feeling?
There are a lot of red flags here. This guy is someone who has shown you, in a relatively short amount of time (two months), that he doesn't trust you, he has a problem with your past, is shutting down, and has “iffy” feelings about you and the relationship.
As I often do when someone comes to me with a relationship rife with red flags, I need to say this: RUN.
This relationship is off to a wholly unhealthy start. His trust issues are not about you; that’s his stuff. And that stuff is for him to work out.
He became distant, it seemed like he wanted space, and then when you tried to give that to him, he became furious and blamed you for what he started.
So he is putting out two contradictory messages: he wants space and time to focus on himself, but also he resents you for giving him space.
UH-UH. This reeks of gaslighting behavior. He is the one making things unstable and “iffy,” all the while projecting it back on you. He is exhibiting signs of super controlling behavior: the jealousy, the accusations, the withdrawal of affection.
Get out of this relationship.
You are not in it too deep. Leave before you go through the roller coaster of dysfunction that you’re in store for with this guy.
Stop feeling bad. You should be the one taking the time to focus on yourself now. And, as I always suggest when someone is coming out of a super-dysfunctional relationship, please access some guidance through a therapist and/or twelve-step group. (Email me for resources in your area.)
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, recovery, friendship, NICU Awareness Month, Ajoite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
